Twitter and the wrath of the lactivists

Something very interesting happened yesterday in the Twitterverse when an unwary coffee shop owner tweeted his sentiments on breastfeeding in his shop.  I'm sure he felt like it was an innocent tweet (which was since deleted) when he typed it:

Notice: No breastfeeding at the DoubleShot. Thank you.

The DoubleShot logo.

It didn't take long for the lactivist community to take notice.  After all, it takes some guts (or, more likely, ignorance) to come up with a tweet like that during world breastfeeding week.  Soon, the pro-breastfeeding community was tweeting up a storm, vowing to never enjoy another latte at the DoubleShot and promising to support other Tulsa coffee shops.

After feeling some of the heat, Brian Franklin of the DoubleShot somehow thought that a new tweet would help smooth over the public relations debacle he was creating.

Settle down, folks. We just don't like walking across the room and seeing your breast. Maybe you could do it in private.

For the uninformed, telling a breastfeeding activist to feed her baby in private is like advising someone who is battling infertility to "just relax and it will happen."  It never, ever goes well, and it makes the person who said it look like an ignorant douchebag.


The Twitter discussion among lactivists continued to heat up, and before long some pointed out that Oklahoma law protects a mother's right to breastfeed anywhere she otherwise has the legal right to be.  
When a small business is faced with an unintended public relations debacle like this, most do the reasonable thing: they backpedal like they were biking in a reverse marathon with their crotch on fire.  Apparently the DoubleShot isn't the type of place to follow that traditional PR wisdom.  After another hour of virtual pummeling, the following tweet was offered to make everything better:


Ok ok, breastfeeding allowed again at the DoubleShot. Hey! Breastfeeding all around. :)

Followed shortly by:

I was just kidding anyway. Didn't expect that blow up. Sorry to get you guys riled up. 

Not exactly an apology.  Probably not even true.  But at least he regretted typing that original tweet, and ultimately learned his lesson, right?  

Not really.  Brian Franklin then went on to release a statement to the local news station wherein he complained about the infringement of his rights.

I don't mind if people breastfeed in the DoubleShot, but it's funny to me that people don't consider the rights of others; only their own.  If one really believes in the American dream of individual rights, they must believe in the rights of others to do or think or say things they don't agree with.   

The lactivists just wanted an apology, or maybe at least some acknowledgment that the original tweet was pretty ignorant.  Apparently DoubleShot didn't feel that was necessary.

There's a pretty important social media lesson to be learned here.  What once would have been an offhand statement heard only by a handful of people turned into a national discussion among a very vocal group of media-savvy women.  Businesses small and large need to wake up to the fact that they are what they tweet.  Public perception is everything.


And, Twitter lactivists?  I'm proud of you.  I feel like I witnessed a tiny piece of a big and beautiful revolution yesterday as this unfolded.

Breastfeeding is hard. We need to know that.

When I think back to my breastfeeding intentions, I think about all of the good advice I received: moms gushed about how beautiful the bond between mom and breastfed baby grew.  They told me that breast is best, and I was inundated with facts about antibodies and allergens.  I heard about the convenience of breast - no bottles to cart around, no formula to mix.  What's not to love?  I was so devastated when I didn't experience these things.  I blamed myself: what was wrong with me?  Only now do I know that there wasn't anything wrong.  The truth is: breastfeeding is a gruelling, emotionally taxing endeavor.  It is hard.

I wish I was told the bad stuff right away.  I wish I was told about the rough spots, the tough times.  I wish I knew more about both the physical and the emotional struggles that every breastfeeding mom confronts in those tough early weeks. I wish I knew that I'd have to endure those hard times in order to reach the beautiful, blissful experiences I had come to expect.  I would have been better prepared to confront my own emotions.  I would have realized that it isn't just me, that I'm not defective or incapable.

Imagine if you went into your birth not knowing that contractions are painful, or not knowing that sometimes vaginal delivery isn't possible.  How shocking would our birth experience be if you learned the "dirty details" only when you were in the thick of your labor?  We educate ourselves as best we can on birth, but on breastfeeding first time moms remain largely in the dark.

Moms who intend to breastfeed should know:
1.  Breastfeeding is hard, physically:  Engorgement, sore, cracked nipples, latch issues, thrush and clogged ducts.  Put all of that pain on top of the general recovery from birth and the exhaustion of being a new mom.
2.  Breastfeeding is hard, emotionally.  When all you want to do is capture a few moments of precious sleep, it is hard, so hard, to be the only source of comfort and nourishment for your new baby.  It is hard to feel like your body, the body that has been a shared vessel for so many months, still isn't truly yours yet, not fully.   
3.  Breastfeeding can be isolating.  As a new mom, I wasn't comfortable breastfeeding in public.  Jack didn't latch well and getting him to eat often required a certain amount of juggling and a lot of crying.  I may as well have stood up and shouted "hey world, I'm trying and failing at breastfeeding over here!"  I found myself retreating to an isolated room of the house, away from stares and questions.  And I felt so, so alone.

Moms who intend to breastfeed should also know:
1.  It can get better.  No promises, but it can.  And if it does, all of those wonderful things: the bond, the convenience, they all come together.
2.  Your body can do it.  Even if your friends, your family, even your physician makes you feel like you need to second-guess your decision, trust your body.  With few exceptions, our bodies really do this well.
3.  When it seems too hard, when you feel too alone, when you are ready to give up, step back a moment, and reach out to others, to those who have been there and who can be your mentor.  If you have no one, call your hospital to talk to a lactation consultant.  Look for a local La Leche League.  Ask the Internet.  I've seen beautiful calls out on Twitter asking moms to offer encouragement and advice to a mom struggling with breastfeeding.  Help is out there.

So mommas:  share your stories, even the bad ones.  Show off your war wounds.  Let us see.  Help us prepare for what lies ahead by using your experiences, the good and the bad.

Good luck, mommas.  If you need encouraging words, I'm here.  And there's lots of me out there.

EWW I saw a nonsexual boob today!

Here's a little window into my personal world:  I had no idea who Kim Kardashian was until today.  I've heard the name Kardashian and I was vaguely aware that there were some Kardashians on television, but I had no idea who they were and why they were famous.


I just read the Wiki entry about her, and I still don't know why she's famous, other than a sex tape with some singer that I've also never heard of.  But at least having read the Wiki I can put this entire thing into context.

The #lactavists of the Twitterverse were all, um, atwitter tonight about Kim Kardashian's recent Tweet:  

Really?  I get being skeeved out by the tabletop diaper change, but clearly her "EWW" was also directed at the act of breastfeeding. 

Just so we're all clear on this:  Kim Kardashian, who apparently made a rather nasty sex tape with some singer, was disgusted by the sight of a woman feeding her child without a cover.


How screwed up are our priorities if, as a culture, we believe that breasts are fine for sex toys but disgusting for breastfeeding? And how do we change this?


For better or worse, Ms. Kardashian is in a place to be a role model for women.  She has a much bigger voice than so many of us.  Yet this is the message she chooses to project with it.


EWW, indeed.

Where are our breastfeeding role models?

I saw a woman breastfeeding her three month old son while walking around the busy farmer's market yesterday morning.  No one told her to take it to her car.  No one sent her to a restroom.  No one gave her a disgusted look.  There won't be an outraged newspaper article, followed by a nurse-in, followed by an embarrassed position statement from the farmer's market association.  The simple, beautiful act of a woman feeding her son passed as it should: without fanfare, without event.  I admit that I may not have even noticed her if her beautiful toddler hadn't approached my son in his stroller to engage him in a sweet baby exchange.  She nursed her son while shopping for vegetables with the agility of a seasoned breastfeeding veteran. 

It was just like it should be, and it was a beautiful thing.  Sadly, the fact that I am compelled to blog about what should be a common occurrence means that it isn't so common.

Is it any wonder that so many women report having difficulty breastfeeding?  Is it any wonder that the act of nourishing a child, something our bodies are so beautifully designed to do, is so hard for so many women? Should we be at all surprised that women, women who are good mothers, opt to forego breastfeeding entirely?


Where are our breastfeeding role models?

Do you know who the first woman that I ever saw nursing was?  It was me.  Before Jack was born, I had never even seen a woman breastfeed.  I've certainly seen babies eat:  I've seen moms walking around, well, everywhere, bottle in hand and babe in arms.  But before Jack came into my life, the act of nursing was so shrouded in mystery that I had never even witnessed it before.

That's not right.  But it is a direct consequence of our "cover it up" culture.  How are we supposed to learn if we cannot observe?  And how are we supposed to observe if women are being shunned into restrooms or exiling themselves to their homes during feedings? 

I want to add my small but determined voice to the chorus of brave women calling for the normalization of breastfeeding, calling for a cultural revolution where the breast is first and foremost for breastfeeding.

I want my son's future wife, and his future daughters and their daughters, to never have a reason to think twice about what I saw at the farmer's market yesterday.  I want that to be normal.

Is breastfeeding harmful to your marriage?

It was like the shot heard 'round the lactivist community: an article by Rabbi Shmuley posted on Beliefnet suggested that breastfeeding can drive a wedge between husband and wife. The article drew incredible attention as replies were blogged, Tweets exploded, and women were outraged.

Breastfeeding advocates often get the opportunity to argue about their craft: it is easy to start a wildfire by talking about extended nursing or nursing in public (and if there is any doubt on that point, pay attention to the discussions that ensue whenever the news reports a woman being escorted from a store for nursing her baby). Rarely, though, do we get to talk about whether breastfeeding is a good idea. We all know that breast is best, right?

Rabbi Shmuley's article suggests otherwise. He claims that breastfeeding can weaken a marriage by causing the new mother to become too involved with her child, to the detriment of husband and her marriage.

This, my friends, is what we call a logical fallacy.

Rabbi Shmuley's underlying message is actually good: boiled down to its simplest premise, what he's really saying is that people who do not pay attention to their marriages have marriages that are unhealthy. His path to reach that conclusion is what is flawed: breastfeeding, in and of itself, is not the problem. If a marriage is suffering because the mother is breastfeeding, it is the dynamics of the underlying marriage relationship that are problematic, not the act of breastfeeding.

I don't think any married person would disagree that a good marriage takes work. When one person isn't willing to dedicate their time and efforts to the marriage, be it because of a career, an illness, or an extramarital affair, the marriage deteriorates. Likewise, when a mother is dedicated to breastfeeding to such an extent that she ignores or mistreats her husband, the marriage certainly deteriorate. But the act of breastfeeding is not the problem. Surely, the Rabbi doesn't believe his own message, does he?

So why is Rabbi Shmuley picking on breastfeeding? Having read some of the Rabbi's other articles, I think the man is as dumb as a fox: it is no secret that we lactivists are a talkative bunch. We post, we Tweet, and we speak our minds. Start talking bad about our blessed superpower, and we'll take notice. Throw in a few zingers, like "her obsession had turned one of her most attractive body parts into a feeding station, an attractive cafeteria rather than a scintillating piece of flesh," and we'll burn up our keyboards typing our replies. What better way for a mediocre yawn of a message - "be good to your marriage" - to get some teeth in the overpowering white noise of the blogosphere?

We're on to you, Rabbi. As for the article, there's nothing to see there. Move along, ladies.

How I Defeated My Own Breastfeeding Success

I've had a very hard time with breastfeeding. It was something I wanted to do exclusively until Jack was six months old, and it just didn't happen. While he gets some breast milk every day, the vast majority of what he eats is formula, and every single bottle that I mix reminds me of what I did to destroy my own chances of success. If I could go back in time and visit the two days postpartum Jenn, I'd change what I did, and those changes would have made all the difference.

It is too late for me, but maybe someone can learn from my mistakes. These are the things I would have done differently.

1. I wouldn't have left the hospital without confidence in my breastfeeding abilities. I made the very novice assumption that because breastfeeding is natural, because it has been around since the very beginning of people, that it would be easy or come naturally. That is so not true - there is so much to learn, and because we as a society keep breastfeeding on the down low, motherhood is often the first time that any of us really get to learn anything about breastfeeding at all.

My hospital has a wonderful lactation department, and I was visited by two lactation consultants while in the hospital. Both were great, and with their assistance, Jack latched on well. However, Jack and I were discharged on a Saturday and the LC department closed at 2p.m. that day. When I got home Saturday afternoon, nothing I could do would get Jack to latch properly. The LC's answering machine told me that their office wouldn't reopen until Monday morning. How was my baby supposed to eat from Saturday afternoon to Monday morning? He's hungry now! I needed help now! In desperation, I turned to the breast pump. I spent more time in those important, early days pumping than I did sleeping or bonding with Jack. I began to absolutely dread the pump: it meant time away from my brand new baby, it meant time away from sleep, it meant pain, and it was miserable. I knew I would be pumping once I got back to work, but I never expected to be pumping at 3 days postpartum. I began to loathe the pump.

I wish I had asked more questions of the lactation consultants. I wish I had asked what to do if the LC's office was closed and I needed help. I wished I had dug deeper and found community resources, like La Leche League, that don't necessarily keep banker's hours like the LC did.

2. Those free cans of formula from Similac? I'd have tossed those in the trash as soon as they arrived in the mail. While I was pregnant I had gotten onto some new mom mailing list, and Similac took it upon itself to send me two nice, expensive cans of formula. I set them with all of my ready baby gear, keeping them as a "just in case." That was a mistake.

In those early days of breastfeeding, if those cans weren't in the house, exhausted new mom me would have had to figure out breastfeeding. I would have had to work to get a correct latch. I wouldn't have had the "I'm tired, I'll just mix one bottle" option. Those early days are so important to establish supply, and they are also the hardest because as a new mom you are struggling with the challenges of motherhood, the sleeplessness that is life with a newborn, and any shortcut sounds like a great idea.

This great idea affected my supply. I know it did.

3. When I felt like giving up, I wouldn't have. I would have carried on. My biggest mistake came four weeks after Jack was born. Frustrated and tired, I decided that I wasn't going to continue breastfeeding. I was already supplementing about six ounces a day, and about 5 of 6 feedings were done via the pump. I had enough. I quit breastfeeding for 36 hours. And then I regretted it. I recalled the reasons I had wanted to breastfeed, and I got right back to it only to find that my supply had taken a huge hit. Where I used to pump three ounces, I'd pump one ounce. My supply never fully recovered.

What would I say to new mom Jenn, if I could go back to a time five months and one week ago?

Don't give up. The struggle is worth it. The exhaustion is worth it - Jack will only be a newborn once, and it won't last long. Throw out the formula. Use the pump as a last resort.

Most importantly: I'd tell myself that I can do it.

Last Night's Episode of the Office

Yes, I'm going to talk about breastfeeding, just briefly. Last night's episode of The Office centered around the birth of Pam and Jim's baby, and it included some really great scenes about the struggles that breastfeeding moms face. From the baby's latch problems to the nurse pushing bottle feeding I had a lot of "been there, done that" moments during that episode. It was great to see a show that finally portrayed breastfeeding as a learning process, a struggle, and something that doesn't always happen as naturally as we've been led to believe it should be. I hope the show continues to follow Pam's struggles both as a new mom and a breastfeeding mom.